It's green!

Well, I totally underestimated this preop diet . . . I was perfectly fine two days ago, a little iffy yesterday, and today I am really feeling the side effects of ketosis. I am nauseous to the point I have no interest in food. That being said, I get it down since I know my body needs it. It still sucks, though. The worst part is that I know that just a little cheating could make it all go away, and the temptation has been sitting in the back of my head all day, but will I give in? NO NO NO!!!! I want this.

The weirdest side effect is that this diet has caused my stool to turn green . . . yep, green. I knew grape soda and lots of artificial color would do that, but I definitely did not expect it from protein shakes and a meal of veggies and protein. Turns out my mom had the same thing happen to her. So weird.

Anyways, just thought that little update was necessary. I'm sure I'll be writing again before my big day!

Beware of Planes

I came across this picture on pinterest the other day and it basically describes how I'm feeling right now. Finals week is next week, and I am feeling the pressure. I think that this picture also describes how I am feeling about my surgery, but in a less negative way. More of a holy cow I am now officially on my preop diet sort of way! For two weeks, I am allowed 1 meal a day of 4 oz of protein and 1/2 cup of veggies. I can't believe how fast my surgery date is coming up! only 10 more days! I am all stocked up on soup broth, sugar free popsicles, flavor packets, and protein powder, and I am ready to kick this preop diet's metaphorical butt! 

That being said, I am nervous as hell. Like I said in my first post, I've never had any kind of surgery before in my life. I've watched my mom go through this same procedure, but it definitely isn't the same as experiencing it yourself. Although, I am happy that so far I have been able to stick with the preop diet no problems besides a little nausea. What really helps is that I actually like my protein shakes. I mix the vanilla powder I got from the doctor's office with orange crush flavor packets and I love it! 

It is also hard thinking about the fact that I will not be able to eat the same way ever again. I've somewhat come to grips with it. I have been very good for the most part since I started my journey, but there's still a little part of me that wants code red mountain dew and key lime / apple pie (my three weaknesses). I used to get an apple pie from my grandma for my birthday almost every year instead of cake, and now I can't do that especially this year considering my birthday is almost exactly one month postop. 

Also, some good news! I am down a pant size from a 22 to a 20, and down about 7 more pounds since my original post. GO ME!!!!! :)

I know I can do this. The hardest thing will always be the mental and emotional me that yells for junk food, but in the end, I know it is not worth it. I do not want to ruin a chance at a new life. 

The Conqueror

Well, I am happy to say that this week I have gotten back on track with healthy eating despite more than enough temptation. My school was doing a spin on Hunger Games during dinner this Thursday, and, of course, prizes were candy and pop. On top of that, they had a cotton candy machine and popcorn machine. It smelled AMAZING. . . but I was good. I sat and ate my chicken, salad, and cottage cheese like a good girl. Well, I ate it and practically ran out of the cafeteria before I had a chance to even think about having "just one bite."

Even being back at my fiance's has proved to be a little easier. I have started planning for days where I just have to suck it up and accept that there will be meals I cannot eat with everyone else. Well, I can physically be with them, but I'll have to eat my greek yogurt or cottage cheese instead of what everyone else has. I think the fact that my surgery date is getting closer is definitely an added motivator, too. Only 30 days till my date!!!!

I'm also trying to get everything sorted out with my school as far as what things I will need after surgery is over. I think working with the school is almost as hard as trying to get insurance approval sometimes. I had to talk to the lady in charge of dining services so I could change to a lower meal plan since obviously I will not be eating as much as I am now. I met with her the second week in January. Then, I had to email her again last week in order to figure out why the change hadn't been updated on my student account. Turns out, I had to meet with the disabilities coordinator since changing my plan was considered an accommodation. This was news to me since no one told me I'd have to meet with her in order to have my meal plan change approved! Thankfully, I met with her the day after I found this out. Then I had to call my doctor to get a note from them saying that I'm not lying about getting surgery, and having half of my stomach removed means that I will be on a restricted diet. Now I'm just waiting on more approval. It's frustrating. I think it might be a conspiracy to try and deter me from changing it so I don't save money on my meal plan (I'll get an extra $1,000 back after changing my plan).

That being said, the biggest challenge I had was that I found out yesterday that my great-grandma had passed away, and I'm not sure if I will be able to make it back for the funeral. I can't turn to food as comfort. I don't want to ruin how good I've been doing this week. My fiance has been trying to keep me distracted, and being around my 2 year old nephew has helped. It still is tough just trying to find other outlets for coping. I'm trying to get a lot of class work done this weekend to keep busy, too. I have to get that done anyway so I'm not stressed about it while I'm dealing with all my surgery stuff. I hope I can get by without breaking down. She lived a long life, and I know I'll see her again someday.

Love you, Busha <3

Standing Not So Tall

This weekend was full of ups and downs. My fiance and I had traveled down to Illinois to visit my mom, but also to attend Winter Jam at the Allstate Arena. I was super excited! Not only did I get to see my family, but I also got to watch two of my favorite bands play! I didn't think anything could bring me down.

That being said, my hips did not let me sit down...the seats at the arena were not made for big people! I had to angle myself in the seat so I could fit, and even then I was left with a bruise the next day from the arm rests pressing on my hips. Not gonna lie. I cried a little, and ate a few things I definitely should not have eaten...and then felt sick the next few days afterwards. I learned my lesson...kinda. It was just an all too real reminder that I am not a healthy size.

It also brought back memories of when my sister, my mom, and I took a trip to Hershey, Pennsylvania. Who would think a place that sounds like a fat woman's dream would turn out to be her nightmare!? The amusement rides at the park were not built to handle larger people. The safety belts and bars on most of the rides just barely got around me after having to suck in my gut and hold my breath. I did still have fun on that trip, but I would have enjoyed it more if it had not been for a few extra pounds. Same with the concert. I ended up standing up the majority of it because it hurt to sit down. Did it ruin my good time? No! I still had a great time, but it would have been nice to have been able to sit down without feeling like I was getting crushed.

We went to Crayola, too!

Now, I am back at school trying to refocus myself. I slipped up big time. I was hurt big time, but it's just part of the journey, I guess. I won't let it stand in my way or take away from the joy of the journey towards my new, healthier life. I will still get hurt when I'm skinnier. I just have to relearn how to deal with it.